General Accident or Major Disaster

Perpetually on ParadeHe Canada Goose Parka was once a Major in the Territorial Army not the regular army and of Canada Goose Outlet course if I dare to mention ‘Dads’ cheap Canada Goose Parkas Army’ or Canada Goose Coats On Sale say he wasn’t even a proper soldier he will go ballistic. It causes me no end of amusement and this is my way of exacting revenge.

‘Would you like a quote from General Accident?’ an insurance rep phoned me once and asked me to fill in a telephone survey.

My entire marriage to Major Disaster is a pitched battle and I can see no decisive victory in sight. I just wanted a quiet life not to be barked at continually as if I’m on parade. Over canada goose clearance sale the years I’ve tried to point out my displeasure at his attitude by resorting to extreme tactics like doing the goose step along with a ‘Heil Hitler’ salute but all to no avail. I have responded to orders with such canadian goose jacket phrases as ‘Javol, canada goose coats on sale Herr Ubergrupenmiester,’ but canada goose clearance he just doesn’t get the message. The kids have also cheap Canada Goose been known to join in the fun by humming the Canada Goose Online tune to: ‘Deutschland, Deutschland Uber Alles’.

Mornings are horrendous. Forget the alarm clock it’s roll call at the crack of dawn; we’re all virtually dynamited out of bed with Major Disaster shouting at the top of his voice up the stairs while we’re Canada Goose online still asleep. We could all uk canada goose perform an ‘Et tu brute?’ on him for that alone. five Canada Goose sale minutes rendezvous at the bank. Flash to bang time thirty minutes!’ Items like sugar, tinned potatoes, beans and uk canada goose outlet dry biscuits are piled into the trolley in vast quantities as if there is going to be a siege; we will have stockpiled enough rations to survive a Russian winter but there’s hardly any room left in the trolley for anything fresh or wholesome that canada goose uk black friday you could make a decent canada goose black friday sale meal out of.

Decorating the house is militarised too; manoeuvres are as follows: ‘We’ll attack the ceilings first then our next canada goose uk shop target canada goose will be the hallway.’

I’ll mimic him in my well practised Winston Churchill voice; ‘We shall fight them on the beaches.’

The fact that Major Disaster is also a teacher exacerbates things even further. Along with the orders there are a whole lot of other ‘dos and don’ts’ thrown in:

‘Sit down!’ ‘Be quiet!’ ‘Pay attention!’ ‘Stop wandering off when I’m talking to you!’

I feel as if I’m back at school, at an army training camp or a mixture of both.

Family vacations are even worse and woe betides anyone who doesn’t cheap canada goose uk consult the ordinance survey canada goose uk outlet map before visiting somewhere new. Major Disaster says we mustn’t all arrive at once; one of us always has to conduct a reconnaissance trip first. it seems I’ve got myself lumbered with an absolute dud.

Verbal bombardments assault me and my family every single day and it’s always on a: ‘shoot first ask questions later’ basis there’s little point uttering a word until all orders have been clearly given and carried out but I’m not short of an canada goose coats arsenal of verbal ammunition myself given the chance to launch canada goose store a counter attack.

Major Disaster was in his element when a house we own was under threat of flooding. He was on hand with sandbags even though Canada Goose Jackets they weren’t much use with fifty million gallons about to spill though the front door from a nearby river. Needless to say his defences were breached and the whole of the ground floor was inundated.

And this one beats the lot: Major Disaster once told me he was off on military exercises in an undisclosed desert location buy canada goose jacket cheap and even had me pack some salt tablets in his case to prevent dehydration. I was momentarily quite proud canada goose factory sale of him that he was doing his duty for Queen and country. It was true that there was plenty of sand where he was going but the manoeuvres weren’t going to be the least bit military as I was to discover at a later date he had booked a week’s holiday in the Canary Islands with another woman.

Maybe it’s partially my fault; I should have stayed in my hometown of Plymouth and married a sailor a naval man might have buy canada goose jacket behaved more admirably. With a lovable ‘Captain Pugwash’ type maybe things might have been plain sailing and I would at very least have understood the nautical terminology. I think the only thing that has prevented me from mounting a full military coup against Major Disaster has been my sense of humour but never mind, if I can’t give him his marching orders perhaps I’ll be free one day when he meets his Waterloo and I promise to give him a decent send off with full military honours of course.